


This is why we don't let El in the kitchen

by LesbianDragon_LD



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: El and Byleth having dumb adventures and doing dumb things, F/F, Hubert and Ferdinand being the responsible parents, idk whatelse to tag this at, this is very stupid so be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21661537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianDragon_LD/pseuds/LesbianDragon_LD
Summary: (Very stupid fic, beware)Edelgard Von Hresvelg is perfect at almost everything, except cooking. Her wife tries to teach her how to cook, but they end up distracted and Byleth follows her wife into her stupid game.Poor Hubert just wanted a break to enjoy with his husband in peace.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Minor Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra - Relationship
Comments: 29
Kudos: 145





	This is why we don't let El in the kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a break from all the smut from my requests (on another note whoa, thank you guys, I never expected these many requests! I'm going to make this a huge work on the span of weeks/months probably), so here's my savior fic where I can pour all of my blessed stupidity into words. Loosely based on real life experiences because I love to do dumb things I *sometimes* regret immediately.  
> And let's be honest, Byleth and Edelgard lived such strict lives (mostly Edelgard), so they would 100% do stupid childish stuff when they're free to be themselves and act reckless, fight me.  
> (And that's Hubert and Ferdinand's torture (mostly Hubert's) because they have to be the responsible parents almost every single time).
> 
> Unrelated, if you wanted spicy edeleth instead, my next request for my collection of requests happens to be supernatural nsfw edeleth, which I will try to post still today in a few hours or tomorrow when I get home.  
> Here's the link to the work because shameless self-publicity: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587506/chapters/51471451

Edelgard took a deep breath.  
She tried to focus as hard as she could.  
It couldn’t possibly be that hard, right?  
If others could manage, why on earth couldn’t she as well?  
She was brilliant at so many skills, from being a decent artist to being an extraordinary fighter. She had lead an army, won a war and ruled a continent.  
Surely after all those tasks, cooking couldn’t be that difficult.  
She lifted her knife again, trying to peel the potato in her hand. And she failed miserably as the uneven cuts made her accidentally waste chunks of the potato as they fell.  
Cooking was Edelgard’s personal hell, there was no other way around it.  
Edelgard slumped on the table as her desperation grew.

“El?”

Her wife’s voice made her suddenly jolt up. 

“What are you doing alone in the kitchen? I just came back from town and the first thing Hubert told me was that you came here and demanded solitude…is everything alright?”

As Byleth approached her, deeply concerned, Edelgard sighed and decided to confess her reasons.

“Byleth” she started to answer her wife, “I want to learn how to cook. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but I want to know the basics.”

Byleth let out a soft laugh as she sat beside Edelgard.

“Why, love? You never showed interest, not even when I invited you to cook with me at the monastery!”

As Edelgard reached for another potato that needed peeling, Byleth stopped her. She took the knife and the potato from her wife’s hands, showing her how to peel it properly as Edelgard explained;

“It’s just that it’s the one skill I never grasped. And I want to cook meals for you, as you do for me on occasion. I was meant to surprise you but as the emperor I couldn’t just ask a servant to teach me.”

“Why didn’t you ask Hubert?” Byleth inquired as she handed Edelgard the half peeled potato, for her to follow Byleth’s instruction as she finished peeling it.

“Have you tried Hubert’s cooking? His meat is almost raw, and he exaggerates on spices. I want to cook you a treat, not something you eat in order to survive in the wild.”

“How about Ferdinand, then?” Byleth inquired again, her hand stopping Edelgard’s in the nick of time when she almost cut her own thumb on accident.

Edelgard quickly thanked her, before she replied;

“Ferdinand would make fun of me for days. And everyone else who is still in Enbarr is quite busy with their own lives.”

As she clumsily but finally finished peeling her potato, Edelgard reached for the carrots only to whine yet again.

“Love, this is horrible” she complained to Byleth, “why can’t I just use my axe and be done with it?”

Byleth reminded her wife that this was her own doing as it had been her idea, and Edelgard only whined even more. She didn’t want to give up, especially now that Byleth knew and was doing her best to help. So Edelgard decided on her resolve.

“I’m using my axe.”

“You’re using Aymr? El, that’s a really bad idea, you’ll break the table!” Byleth let out, absolutely petrified.

Edelgard stood silent for a moment.

“I meant that I would use a small hand-axe, but now you’ve given me an idea, love. Can I borrow your sword?”

Byleth merely blinked, completely dumbfounded.

“Absolutely not! This may be a silver sword and not a relic, but it’s still unthinkable!” Byleth tried to reason with her wife, but somehow she felt as if her words fell upon deaf ears.

But set on accomplishing her objective, Edelgard moved closer to clash her lips against Byleth’s. Byleth was taken aback at her actions, but quickly melted under the kiss assuming that her wife had forgotten the ridiculous ordeal. Until Edelgard pulled away, and Byleth noticed that her sword was missing from its sheath and was, instead, being held by her wife’s hand.

“That’s such a dirty trick! I honestly cannot believe you, El!” Byleth huffed, as her wife smiled.

“Desperate needs call for desperate measures, love!”

As Edelgard positioned herself at one end of the table, she encouraged her wife to throw the carrots at her. Byleth tried to protest, but her wife insisted.

“I honestly cannot believe you! How can people call me feral when you’re the one who came up with this?” Byleth huffed yet again, to which Edelgard proudly replied that it must’ve been because they were destined for each other.

Byleth sighed in defeat, unable to hear another poor excuse from her wife.

“If my emperor demands it, I shall abide to her will” Byleth sarcastically let out, as she feigned a poor excuse of taking a bow, “but if things go south, just remember that this was your idea. Be sure to tell that to Hubert before he strangles me, please.”

“Of course, I shall write my will in case I die from getting hit by a carrot” Edelgard teased, and Byleth couldn’t resist throwing a carrot aimed at her arm with moderate strength.

To her utmost surprise, Edelgard’s reflexes acted up and she cut the carrot mid-air, the two pieces falling onto the table.

For a moment, both women stared at the pieces of carrot that lay in front of them in awkward silence, both astounded that their stupid trick had actually worked.

“Another” Edelgard demanded after a while, and this time Byleth obliged without protest, throwing it immediately.

Edelgard sliced the poor carrot in four pieces before it touched the table, much to her pride and Byleth’s admiration.

“Another!” 

Another carrot cut in pieces falling gracefully to the table.

“Try two this time! One followed by the other!”

Two freshly cut carrots.

“Keep them going!”

As Byleth did, Edelgard kept slicing the carrots in the air with her sword.  
Until Byleth suddenly stopped throwing them.

“I want to try, too” Byleth confessed, and Edelgard tossed the sword for Byleth to catch as Byleth slid the basket of carrots across the table for Edelgard to grab.

“Throw one!” Byleth demanded, and Edelgard complied.

Byleth perfectly sliced the carrot in four, much to her wife’s admiration. And then Byleth got an idea to absolutely impress her wife.

“Throw five at the same time, El! I’m sure I can do it!”

Edelgard hesitated.

“This is fun but now you’re the one who is being rash, love. I don’t want you to get hurt!” Edelgard let out, but Byleth promised she wouldn’t get hurt and pleaded to her wife to do it.

Still hesitant, Edelgard complied.

~.~.~.~

Hubert sipped on his refined coffee, reclining on his comfortable armchair as he stared at the beautifully intense yet calming flames from the fireplace. His husband in front of him sipped on his chamomile tea, enjoying their quiet and slow evening in each other’s company.

“As I was previously saying,” Hubert continued their discussion, “Her Majesty and I have known each other for a long time, and as such our bond is just like family. Naturally, I want you to be a part of it.”

“Love, it would be easier for me to adjust to your familiarity if you started with the small things. Calling Edelgard by her actual name instead of her title, for starters…” Ferdinand commented, and Hubert scoffed.

“I don’t think I’ll ever abide to that. Not on certain circumstances, at least. Even if we have a truly deep bond among us, Lady Edelgard and I are from two completely different worlds and I must respect her. After all, Her Majesty is far greater; Her Majesty is utmost brilliant an-“

Before Hubert could finish his sentence, they heard the door being kicked open and Edelgard barged in their room, looking like an absolute mess as she held an unconscious Byleth in her arms, interrupting their date.

“HUBERT! I NEED YOUR HELP!” Edelgard shouted in absolute panic, “MY WIFE AND I WERE CUTTING CARROTS MID-AIR WITH A SWORD AND SHE FAILED HER SWING AND SHE GOT HIT WITH FIVE CARROTS IN HER FACE, FELL BACKWARDS AND COLLAPSED!”

Hubert immediately got up to attend to Byleth, and with a couple of healing spells the bruises on Byleth’s forehead disappeared. Her eyes suddenly shot open, and Edelgard cried in relief as she embraced her wife.

“Byleth, I’m so sorry! I promise we’ll never do anything like this again!” Edelgard cried out in relief, as Byleth assured her that she was fine and it had only been the sharp pain that made her lose her senses. They both thanked Hubert before taking their leave, Byleth assuring her wife that she didn’t need special care but her wife insisting on carrying her to bed and have her checked by a proper healer whenever the healer arrived at the palace.

Trying to suppress a laugh at the scene, Ferdinand approached his husband after the two women left.

“So, love, you were saying?” Ferdinand laughed, as Hubert merely groaned his response;

“Nevermind.”


End file.
